Okay, half my readers will probably jump ship right here...

But I have to say it.

I am so not excited about the new Alice in Wonderland.


Okay, if there's anyone still reading, there are a couple of issues I have with the whole thing.

One, Tim Burton. Face it, this guy peaked at Edward Scissorhands and his films have been going downhill ever since. Corpse Bride. Willy Wonka. Sleepy Hollow. The Nightmare Before Christmas. Even Sweeney Todd. They're all packed with the same over-the-top contrived 'crazy' Burton imagery, all twisty trees, black, red, and white stripes, and characters with big dark circles under their eyes to show how emotionally tortured they are. Alice looks like it will be much of the same. He's the awkward gothy kid's George Lucas: too much money and nobody to tell him to step back a little.

Two, teenage girls. The Burton over-obsessive cult fanbase. Outcast high schoolers who think their creativity and uniqueness are why people don't 'understand' them. Said creativity and uniqueness will surely be the founts of millions of awful fanarts, Halloween costumes, makeup tutorials, and increased feelings of self-importance as they see Alice in theatres and realise 'omg, that was my idea!!1!', which brings me to...

I know, I know, they're wearing Twilight shirts. Somehow, I'm still pretty sure a good 98% of them are Burton fans.

Three, it's a fucking fanfiction. Now, I have nothing against good fanfiction. If you want to go and take some of your favourite characters and places and write a new story about them -- face it, it's fun -- go right ahead. But GOOD fanfiction will avoid all of the terrible plot fallbacks that Alice appears to be taking. This is not a remake of the original Alice story, it's a sequel. From the summaries finding their way onto the internets, Alice is a 19-year-old Victorian girl about to be betrothed to someone she (omg, who would've guessed?) Does Not Love, so she escapes back to Wonderland and is told that she is the One and Only Person who can save everyone from the tyranny of the Red Queen. Also, maybe she has a romance with the Mad Hatter, who is suddently Hot.

Or not. But that's Johnny Depp, so it's okay!

Pretty much, I'm just over the whole 'Burtonifying-Victorian-aesthetics' thing. The Romantic Goths are doing well on their own, there's no need to make it extra-tacky with mushrooms and creepy twisty smiles. We get it. Making stuff weird is 'edgy'. How about somebody stay true to the source material for once?

I might see this when it comes out on DVD. The Golden Compass is still shading my book-to-film cinema experience with unadulterated vomitrocity, so I think I'll play it safe with this one.