...world hunger?

Middle-aged woman: That's my solution to world hunger and teen pregnancy -- duct tape.

This is why I love antique stores.

I was poking around an antique store last weekend -- the place was PACKED with stuff, some great, some not -- and I found a big cardboard box full of old papers. About half of it was newspapers and numismatist newsletters, but I persevered, searched the entire box -- and scored big.

I found three letters written by a guy called Elmer T., to a married woman with whom he was having an affair. As far as I can tell, all three were written after the affair took place, to serve as a record of events, for him, her, or possibly the lawyers (you'll see).

Anyhow, I can't resist sharing them. Here's letter number 1, that sets up Elmer's reason for writing and kept me in that antique store for hours looking for any other letters after it. (I typed this up exactly how it looks on this very old sheet of paper, hence all the errant periods and dashes -- although I am going to leave off full surnames in favour of initials, to protect identities and all, though it does seem kind of silly after almost a hundred years... does this sound like anyone's ancestors?)

June 24 -- 1923

Mrs. Lela G.

You have left me without any choice of action and driven me to this, for when a man is as square as I was with you and tried to give you as good advise as anyone could give and then a woman of your caliber, with the assistance of your friends, will run an undercurrent of rot against me to cause me grief and shame, that has shattered my mind and torn my very soul from my body, taken the last bit of foundation out from under me and left me nothing but jail and death to stare at, then it's time for retaliation.

I can stand lawful prosecution and jail better than I can unjust persecution from a Lustful Ingrate like you, I have begged, prayed and tried to hire you to have a talk with me but you would not listen.

The past ten (10) months I have paid for my sins with a torture of grief that only God. Almighty, knows and can understand, through the efforts of you and your friends the last five (5) months of the (10) you have added to my grief the wrath of man.

Wrath; that caused one of your friends to attempt Murder and succeed to the extent that I am left maimed and probably or eventually will cause my death,

You caused me to be followed and watched for weeks, also one of my friends was followed and molested, my statements will furnish you with what you were looking for and you can use them as you think best.

A short while back I would have let my soul burn in Hell for you but now it can burn in Hell against you, yet it shall not be fired with any untruthful statements from me, about you, for I will not give you that chance for consolement.

It's a nasty mess for others to read, but I used mostly words and expressions that were used and that flowed from your mouth as freely as from my own.

E. T.

WELL. Stay tuned for the next letter, which reads like a Savage Love column. Seriously.